I used to have a very limited, shallow understanding of what video games are, or more accurately, what it means for a video game to truly excel. To be 'excellent'. I used to sit down a few times every week as my younger self, and play mindless, soulless experiences such as 'Half-Life', 'Halo', and 'Bad Rats', all the time believing that what I was playing was the pinnacle of "video game" entertainment.

Then, in December of 2017, something happened. An unheard-of game named 'Granny' found itself spontaneously thrust on to the iOS platform. At first, I thought it to be just another entry in a long list of failed mobile games that would soon fizzle out in to total obscurity. If only I had realized at the time that 'Granny' would become the defining interactive experience of not only that year, but the whole decade, and perhaps, though it is yet to be seen, maybe even the entire century. Now that it has found itself on Steam, we can only be eternally grateful to those in charge.

You see, I don't think there is a single interactive experience to date that has deserved the distinction of being labelled a masterpiece more than DVloper's 'Granny'. Where the 'Half-Life's and 'Death Stranding's of the gaming world stumbled, 'Granny' triumphed. It put its boot upon the heads of those inferior products, and gazed valiantly in to the rays of success cast down from heaven by its benevolent developer.

In some ways, I believe that calling 'Granny' a "game" is actually unjust. Nay, I think that to label something so unimaginably passionate, and masterfully crafted as 'Granny' as merely a "game" is an almost criminal slap in the face to not only DVloper, the experience's creator, and not only the experience itself, but ultimately, humanity at large. That's a bold statement, I know - so allow me to justify this in a somewhat prompt, but adequate manner:

Starting from humanity's infancy, where we would mindlessly light fires just to watch flames dance, and paint ourselves in charcoal crudely on walls of stone, we, regardless of the pointlessness of our actions, would still go about performing said actions in ways that no living being other than ourselves could ever hope to comprehend. Those mindlessly lit fires were still conjured by a smart, intelligent mind. We are the only species to be so innovative. We have carried ourselves throughout the aeons - outrun disasters that would shake the foundations of other species; if not, send them over the edge to their bloody ends.

In the mid-seventeen hundreds, we decided that once again, we would push ourselves in to a new, shining era of technological advancement. We began - slowly, but surely - to automate industrial processes. This renaissance which we would later come to know as the industrial revolution laid the foundations for a whole host of technologies that nowadays, the vast majority of the human race couldn't hope to forego. An important detail to note however is that the industrial revolution was not a movement directed at random by a cabal of mankind's most powerful and influential minds.

Granted, the minds involved in bringing about the industrial revolution were indeed some of our brightest, but the revolution we experienced was in fact a chain reaction, spurred on by some single innovation which simply inspired subsequent innovations going forward. This is a very significant example of the butterfly effect, and goes to prove that quite often, when advancements of such significance are made, it opens the doors to entire new realms of possibility. Without innovation, we are doomed to stagnate.

This is where 'Granny' truly shines. 'Granny' - as an interactive experience of unmatched fear factor, unrivaled storytelling, and a level of puzzle design so finely woven in to the 3D environment in which the entire experience takes place that the immersion is enough to dizzy a man - is not only the finest example of interactivity that I have personally ever experienced (and one which I sincerely doubt will ever be surpassed in my mind), but also serves importantly as a seed from which an entirely new tree of subsequent interactive experiences will blossom with time. Surely, any interactive experience which takes any of the correct lessons away from the design of 'Granny' will have its work cut out for it.

My professional projections indicate that by 2045, the knock-on effects of the release of 'Granny' will have produced such a profound change, not just with regards the "gaming" sphere, but to society at large, that in Russia, Ghana, Poland, Ukraine, and the Czech Republic, the indie "game" industry will have inflated by, at the very least, a staggering 7,750% in overall value, producing interactive experiences which not only rival those of the biggest modern triple-A "games" companies in the West, but more often than not, even knock their products out of the park.

Science and math have proven all I've claimed here time and time again, and will continue to do so until the end of foreseeable time. Like the Fibonacci spiral, the truth that 'Granny' is a fundamental constant of reality itself permeates all that can be seen. It hides in plain view, staring us all in the eyes. It is only once we first acknowledge it that we begin the voyage towards ultimate enlightenment.

'Granny' should be treated rightfully. It should be considered as integral as numbers zero through nine. 'Granny' should be woven in to the tapestry of all "game" stores and services, and I would argue that 'Granny's exceptional qualities earn it a rightful place on the front pages of every online "video game" retailers' store(s). I argue that 'Granny' actually sets the bar so high that it would be reasonable to have all other interactive experiences that tried, and failed to do what 'Granny' did, be permanently erased from all storefronts that they share with 'Granny' as a sign of respect. 'Granny' crawled from the ashes of mobile "gaming" hell, and matured in to a truly interactive experience. 'Granny' became a PC experience when no other mere "game" had the balls to do so, and it deserves to be set apart from its competitors based purely on this fact alone.

You do NOT just simply "play" 'Granny'. No. You EXPERIENCE 'Granny'. You spend the £3.99 that you can just about scrape together, you compensate DVloper with said money, you install the experience, and you EXPERIENCE it. Not only do you naturally owe DVloper the bare minimum of £3.99, you owe it to yourself to at least spend the time trying, however feebly, to wrap your fragile mind around the near-incomprehensibly sheer incredibility by which 'Granny' conducts itself. And if you fail to understand it, it's in your best interest to try again. And again. Try as hard as you can to understand what you are truly experiencing, lest you continue to live your life in relative misery and emptiness. If you don't aspire to understand 'Granny' the way that I do, then you are no friend of mine.

I have a lot to say, and SO wish I could delve in to what makes 'Granny' so significant, but unfortunately, due to Steam's character limit for reviews, I am regrettably unable to fulfill this wish of mine. I would like to instead quickly underline the fact that if you go out of your way to pirate 'Granny', then not only do I hold no respect towards you whatsoever, but I in fact despise you personally. There is a special place in the bowels of the ninth circle of hell for absolute scum such as yourself. If you pirate 'Granny', even once, then there is no redemption to be had for you. No forgiveness. And ultimately, I hope you get what's coming to you. £3.99 is pocket change, and your disgusting refusal to reimburse the messianic DVloper for his countless development hours, even for the beyond-generous sum of £3.99 is frankly disturbing.

£3.99. Experience it.